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| A recreation of the insane screws used to secure the brackets for a small set of blinds - and a comparison of the normal size. This is over and beyond even for a DIYer. |
I got a call from a neighbor asking if I could "show them how" to install some blinds. I know what that phrase really means, but I agreed to anyway. I even took a set of driver bits and ratchet because I knew they wouldn't have any tools, except maybe some cheapo ones from the discount bin at the dollar store. (I was correct.)
The neighbor had already taken down the old blinds in the living room and the first set of blinds went up easily, though I'm glad I had the proper bit and ratchet driver to fit the tiny screws supplied with the blinds. The anticipated cheap screwdrivers would have never worked. I felt good because I had the proper tools and had thought to bring them. Yay me!
When the neighbor asked me to look at the other rooms I was hesitant because I saw the scope of the project quickly expanding. "I just can't figure out how to get the other brackets down," they said. Yeah sure, I've heard that before. But I decided to help, to mentor them while they put up this set themselves. I had "showed them how like I had promised and now it was their turn. I am all about sharing knowledge and empowering people after all.
But when I went into the first bedroom I saw that the blinds were secured with a square-drive screw, so they really did need me and the driver set just to remove it/ When I started to unscrew it I discovered that the screws were not only an odd type but a different length than what would be expected to hold up a set of blinds.
I started unscrewing and watched as the screw just kept backing out of the wood. And then some more, and then some more... and more These screws were not 1/2 or 1" but a full 2" long and they were splayed out at random angles to catch deeply into the wood of the window frame. They were obviously put in with a heavy-duty drill and there was no way a mere mortal could have taken them out. This was indeed a job for a handyman DIYer and their near professional quality tools.
This was total overkill for a simple set of venetian blinds. The blinds were attached more securely than the window itself. The house could have been torn apart in a hurricane but those brackets would have still been attached. I was annoyed yet genuinely happy I was there to help.
"Oh, and the other bedroom has some other kind of screw," the neighbor said. I stifled a sigh and went to take a look. It was true, this room had the brackets secured with hex-head screws. This was an unanticipated turn of events. I calmly said that I would have to go back and get my socket set in order to remove these screws. A good walk in the night air was just what I needed.
Unfortunately, it began to rain. Not mist, not drizzle, but a full on drenching downpour that soaked me, my jacket and even my shoes. By the time I got to the house and returned with the socket set I was a squishy (actual sounds from my shoes), dripping (all over their floor) more than slightly annoyed mess.
I unbolted the brackets and found that the screws were actually self-tapping metal screws an inch long and sporting an aggressive thread. Good thing they used two of them on each bracket. That should do the trick, and you could always use the bracket to mount a chin-up bar for an overweight giant.
There was more; star-drive screws, rods suspended on wires poked through holes in the drywall left from previous window covering systems plus strange additions to the window trim. Despite my luxurious facial hair, I think my expression showed through loudly enough that my neighbor said they could do the rest. Or maybe it was that the fifteen minute job had turned into a two hour multi-trip event and they were tired of my company. Or maybe they just didn't want me dripping muddy water all over their house. Either way, I left them with some tools and my best wishes. I went home. It had stopped raining.
The experience made me question my own legacy as a lifelong jack-of-all-trades DIYer and caused me to search my memory for the painful hacks I might have left behind for the next poor slob to fix. The problem with us DIYers is that we think we will be the person who fixes our initial hacks and we'll always make it right on the next go-around.
So I'm not saying I haven't used the wrong fastener before. I've used over sized screws, the wrong head, a mix-and-match collection of drive-styles, and even the occasional metal screw into wood. I know the power of shims and putty to remedy and hide mistakes in planning and skills. But never have I used structural-level fasteners where a finishing brad was needed. This was bad even for a DIYer.
So yes, I know I'm a hack, and not very good at a lot of things. But at least now I know I'm not the most hackiest of the hacks in the DIY world. And I'm sure you will be happy to know that my deep understanding of the human psyche helped me turn my annoyance into an ego boost instead. Dang, I'm good.
if you're laughing and feel a little less alone then I'm happy. If not, well... you just would never understand anyways.
Till next time, keep on hacking. It isn't that hard and it might just work.
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Also find me on:
FACEBOOK -or- INSTRUCTABLES -or- YOUTUBE
Follow @tangoofthegeeks
