Smoke That Alarm

I just spent six hours on a frustrating search-and-destroy mission. It started when I awoke an hour earlier than usual to the beep of a smoke alarm with a low battery. The beep wasn't very loud, and it only chirped once every ten or fifteen minutes. But it was enough to prevent me from falling back asleep. So, I sighed, flung the covers off and stumbled to the kitchen.

I never actually hit this, or any other smoke alarm with a hammer. However, the image does illustrate my frustration at trying to change the batteries in multiple smoke alarms that all seemed to be beeping at me all at the same time.

As I was making coffee, the alarm beeped again. Luckily, it was the kitchen alarm located directly above where I was standing - or so I thought. The beeping already had me so on-task that I replaced the battery before the coffee had finished brewing, As I poured myself a large mug of magic elixir, I congratulated myself on accomplishing an onerous task before I had even had my first sip of coffee. I was on point, and it felt good, surely a great start to a productive day

That should have been my first hint. Never, ever do anything that even remotely resembles thinking or deciding before caffeination. As I trundled towards my morning sipping and contemplation spot, it beeped. The new battery had not worked.

I checked and changed the orientation of the battery to make sure they were all pointing in the correct directions and reinstalled the alarm, all without exhibiting any outward frustration. Not bad for a before-first-cup challenge.

The beeping continued. 

I returned to the kitchen and stood, arms crossed and frustration beginning to show on my face, staring at the offending alarm. While I stared at it, willing it into submission, the alarm beeped again. But my new location allowed my keen sense of hearing to determine that it was in reality, another alarm that was the actual offender.

How silly of me. I gulped some coffee and repeated the battery exchange on the new suspect.

The beeping continued.

This was getting ridiculous. Now, based on sound alone, it was obvious that the real culprit was actually the alarm back in the studio. I did the swap-out and sat down to enjoy, for the first time all day, some relaxing time alone with my coffee.

The beeping continued.

It had to be the other alarm, the final one. I swapped the batteries in it and although I was now fully annoyed, I was also grateful because if I was a bat, I would frikkin starve. Plus, all the batteries in all the alarms had been changed. It was a clean sweep, and I would know that all the batteries had the same replace-by date so next year's exchange would be much simpler.

The beeping continued.

I did not cry, I did not throw anything, I don't think I even uttered an expletive. I did what any good handyman-slash-tinkerer would do; I went to another room and browsed the internet while I waited for my mind to settle enough to make a rational and safe-for-all-concerned decision.

The beeping continued.

After an hour of browsing informative sites, maybe more, I grabbed my multi-meter, my reading glasses, some cotton swabs and the baking soda. I methodically tested every set of batteries to make sure they were fully charged (they were), checked for proper battery arrangement (all fine) and cleaned every terminal even if it was still silvery and shiny.

The beeping continued.

"Okay, the batteries are all good, correctly aligned and making good contact. So, one of the alarms must be malfunctioning," I thought to myself. "Now all I have to do is determine which one is faulty." I isolated all of them where I couldn't possibly hear them and steeled myself for the next round of methodical testing. 

The beeping continued.

"Screw this," I thought to myself, "I will replace all of them with the fancy unopened combination fire and CO alarm that I had stored in my cabinet. 

Can you see the punchline coming? Beep?

It was the unopened, still-in-the-box, alarm hiding inside the cabinet that was doing all that beeping. It was even speaking softly to me, "Low Battery" it said calmly. The original manufacturer's battery had been pre-installed and after several years of waiting patiently to do its part providing safety, had lost its charge and, like me at this point, its ability to function properly. That alarm now has no batteries, while all of the other alarms in the building have fully charged batteries, clean terminals, all done in a conveniently dated mass-installation. 

I am both embarrassed and proud. I seem more capable of dealing with other people's stupidity than my own, and this was most definitely my own stupidity (but at least I'm not a starving bat). I am exhausted and I'm just going to kick back for the rest of the day.

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AFTERTHOUGHTS

Even though I'm annoyed with myself, I'm glad I went to all the effort. And I know I'm not the only one dealing with bad batteries and poor echo-location skills. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned.

Even my small home has multiple alarms, so it took many batteries to replace all the old ones. I tinker with electronics, so I always have a large supply of batteries on hand. But not everyone keeps a big backstock of batteries, so be sure you have enough fresh batteries on hand to put fully charged ones in all your alarms.

If your alarms are nearing their end-of-service life, just replace them all at once. (Or, as a cruel joke, buy a six-pack and hide them scattered throughout the house of your enemy.)

You can get alarms that use only battery power, alarms that plug into the wall but have battery back-up, and alarms that get hardwired in but also have battery back-up.

Some alarms also have carbon monoxide testers built in. Other alarms can communicate with each other or with your smart-home system. Some have the ability to alert you and/or the emergency services when danger is detected even when you are not at home. Adafruit has a post about how such a connected system of alarms could have helped.

I tried to keep this post light-hearted, but it really is very important for everyone to maintain their alarm systems. I hope the humor in my frustrating morning spurs you to remember to check your alarms to make sure they are all still functional and protecting you and your family.

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